By Lucy Grantz
There’s been a lot of information floating around about the brain lately. Some new information has been discovered that actually helps us to understand ourselves better: it’s not just for scientists any more. I’ve recently learned more about the role the brain plays specifically in relationships. So in the hope that this information might be helpful to you in understanding why it is that sometimes you and your partner react in such a way that seems extreme or irrational, I thought I’d pass my understanding on to you.
For the discussion here, I’ll be talking about 2 of the 3 sections of the brain: the limbic system—which houses the amygdala—and the prefrontal cortex. The amygdala is the seat of primal emotions. It begins development at infancy, before a preverbal age, prior to the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex, on the other hand, is the more rational and logical part of the brain.
When something that seems to threaten our safety happens to us as babies, before the prefrontal cortex is formed, the memory becomes stored in the amygdala. And, because the amygdala’s job is to keep us safe, it will generalize early experiences in such a way that later on, something that seems familiar on a primal, unconscious level may spark a feeling of fear. When this takes place, the more rational prefrontal cortex gets bypassed. Therefore, we have no opportunity to think rationally that this situation is not dangerous. Plus, we have no conscious memory of the first time we had this fear, so that makes it difficult to see that connection.
How does this play out? Well, in a relationship, we are commonly bumping up against each other’s fear response. Supposing, say, you arrive home from work late, expecting to see your husband because he usually arrives home before you. At first, you don’t think much of it. But later, when you are listening to the news, you learn about the 35W bridge collapse. Even though this was not his usual route home, it sparks the fear that he has been hurt or killed in a car accident. Suddenly, you are caught in a state of panic. Nothing you try can calm you down, because the rational brain—which is trying its hardest to reason with you—has been bypassed. The fear you have is a primal one, and hits on a survival level, such as what you felt as a baby, perhaps, fearing that your caretaker wasn’t going to come back.
Finally, when he arrives home, explaining that he just “forgot to call,” your fear turns to rage, as in, “how could he do this to me?” It takes some time following this to calm yourself, and then you wonder, “What happened there?” You plan to file it away, knowing that next time you don’t have to react so strongly. But, of course, that is easier said than done.
All is not hopeless, however, and we are not quite so at the whim of our amygdala. Brent Atkinson is a couples counselor who has developed a way of using this brain research with his clients. He will begin working with couples using a cognitive approach, educating them on how important it is to moderate criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (based on research of John Gottman). When the couple becomes unable to respond in a way that they know is best for the relationship (like avoiding criticism when discussing a problem with their spouse) they may have come up against an intensely strong emotion. The amygdala has taken over. At this point, Atkinson will work with each member of the couple individually, in order to heal the emotional pain stored in the amygdala.
The individual work focuses on the intense emotions that arise when faced with a primal, amygdala response. An example of how he might work involves one spouse; let’s say the wife, speaking criticisms of her husband, into a tape recorder. Later, the therapist and the husband will work together using the recorded criticisms. Basically, they are working on a more physical level than an intellectual level. The husband will become aware of his own body sensations, learning about his own emotional process. Simultaneously, the wife is going through her own individual therapeutic process.
This is a very basic way of explaining how his method works, but the ultimate outcome is healing how the primal emotional response is playing out in this context. The clients are also able to identify when their emotions are escalating to this point, so they can do something to moderate the interaction. Later, when his wife criticizes him in a way that may have become patterned, he has more emotional wherewithal to respond instead of react.
In the end, understanding these brain functions is helpful for all of us because we can see why we react the way we do sometimes. Further, it helps practitioners like Atkinson to create therapeutic methods that will actually work. Ultimately, learning more about “how we tick” can give us insight into how to gain more clarity in our lives, and happier relationships.
Posted on July 2nd, 2009 by LucyFiled under: Uncategorized | No Comments »